Got in a huge blowout fight with Trevor this weekend, and he deleted me from his myspace, I deleted him from facebook, and we haven't spoken since sunday morning. Surprisingly, I don't care.
I know that if we do speak, it will be me apologizing for things that I shouldn't have to apologize for. Yeah, sure, I was a bitch, but I was definitely provoked.
I'm glad that I'm done being a piece of ass to him. I realize now that that's all I ever was. Nothing more. He knew that I'd sleep with him, no matter what. Fuckass.

Then again, it's not like I can get anything else. Ben's just fucking with me, leading me on, rebounding, playing. And that's my only other prospect. How dumb is that? I just keep telling myself that at this time next year I'll be out of this stupid town with a college degree under my belt, in a city of at least a million people.


Ben never called. So like the stupid girl that I am, I called him. No answer. He texts saying he's at the hospital.
'I had an allergic reaction to something'. Vague much? 2.5 hours after he was supposed to call.

I don't understand why nobody can just tell me the truth. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I have no personality. They're repulsed by me.

I'm so sick of it. My eyes are not deceiving me. The rest of the world is lying to me. For no good reason.

So, Trevor was supposed to go to CDA all weekend, with a stop in St. Marie's on Sat. for some festival. When he came into my work on Sunday late afternoon, I was like 'oh, I thought you'd be in CDA all weekend, how come you're back early?' and his only reply was 'Oh, I came back last night'. That was it. I didn't press it, because it wasn't a big deal. Whatev.
Today, I find out that he was on a DATE saturday. Meaning that he specifically asked somebody to go with him to the festival and a movie, because he never even went to CDA.
That means that he thinks he can date other girls and still think that he can sleep with me. I think not.
I'm supposed to go and hang out/drink with this guy on Wed., and I am sooo not telling Trevor. We're not even dating anymore, but we act like a couple. Sort of odd situation really.
Anyways, this guy I'm hanging out with, Ben, is the same major as me, but he graduated in May. His ex is suuuper thin, and he's like in love with the suicide girls. They're thin too. Gah.
I'm worried that he'll think I'm fat. So. Today was the beginning of a liquids only fast for me. Not sure how long I'll do it, we'll have to see. I'm hoping to at least have a flat stomach by Wed., due to the fact that there will be nothing in it.
I'm also sort of avoiding Trevor too, because I don't want to deal with his advances and drinking right now. Lately he's been drinking alone a lot, and I'm sort of worried that he'll become an alcoholic. Then there would be NO WAY I would hang out with him. That's one thing I won't tolerate.
Stupid rambling on my part, but whatev. It's good to get it out I guess. It's not like I have loads of people to talk to about all of this.

So, I've been working out like it's my job, burning between 600-800 cals each time I go, plus walking for at least an hour, *and* I've been eating [or not eating as the case may be] pretty well, but *somehow* I am NOT LOSING. I think I'm actually GAINING muscle weight.
I do between 30 and 75 minutes on the elliptical machine, then 20-30 minutes on the weighted machines[crunches, torso rotator, legs/inner thighs]. If anybody has any suggestions as to a different routine that will just make me lose weight and not gain muscle, do tell. This is ridiculous.

So. What have I been doing to lose weight? Eating Sunchips and M&Ms. Right. I see Trevor [my ex] tomorrow, for his b-day. I baked him a cake. I'm not eating any of it. How can I when I'm this fat? I'm so fed up with being like this.

...The only reason I'm alone is because I'm fat. When I lose 10 lbs. I'll be attractive. I'll be desirable. Soon.

So, I'm new here. Um, there isn't a whole lot to say about myself. I'm moody, live in an apt. with my roommate and our cat Chloe. Currently single, probably will be for a while. I'm going to school here for Clothing/Textile design, hopefully graduating this may. Then I'm hoping to move to the east coast. Idk.
I've got self-esteem issues, always have, so I guess technically I don't really have them, my self-esteem is just low.
My life's a bit upside down right now, well, more like it's hanging at a 90 degree angle from normal. This is mostly going to be for venting and more than likely tracking weight loss.
Next point. I was anorexic when I was 14, supposedly 'recovered', but it was more of a 'make the psych think I'm fine so I can go home'. You can't cure that sort of thing in 4 days in a hospital. Anyways, it was in the back of my mind for 3 years or so, then when I started Uni I gained a ton of weight, freaked, and it sort of came back. Now I'm just fat, trying to get back to being thin. So, no hate please.
I'm well aware of the dangers and that this kills and so on, but if you think that nasty comments are going to cure me or convince me that I'm pretty and that I'm thin and that there's somebody out there just for me, then stuff it.
Yeah. I think I'm fat. According to the BMI scale, I'm 'normal'. Normal isn't good enough.
Food and weight takes up a lot of my time and thoughts, so it's going to be in here pretty frequently.
Guess this is enough for now, will add more later.